Monday, March 29, 2010

Notes On 45th Birthday or Being An Eternal Tourist

Sometimes I would
like to walk
thru a door

I don't gno
what is behind this door
hopefully some answers

This door can be
white, yellow, orange, green, blue or even pink

I really don't care
what color
I just want
a door like this
to be there so badly

Well maybe to explain
why I have had sex, made love to
or been fucked
by at least 300 different men

And 99.9999 percent
are but
the vaguest of
ghosts now

I used to drink a lot (maybe this explains some of the men)

The booze now replaced by Oxycodone and Xanax
kindly provided by our friendly fascist state

The United States of Amnesia

I find these are good "tools" to use to live in our brave (or cowardly and despicable) new world

3 women tried to save me from myself

One was a friend who liked to talk about Europe and books

One was my tenth-grade English teacher

One was my mother
we were driving to somewhere?
from somewhere?
on a cold Colorado nite sometime in 1982

In the brown Oldsmobile 98
a car I always loved for some reason
purchased in the same year as
and the hostages

My mother looked at me
her firstborn- she read "To Kill A Mockingbird" the nite b4 I was born
and said:

"Don't worry Dev- we will get thru this (about my drinking at school- little did she gno there were other "get thrus" coming) We are survivors!"

Well that we are - my

But I rather wish
I had been a
survivor like
and not

The human heart
is indeed
a Red Octopus

It seems to want to
envelope with love
or strangle with hate
at the same time

If I found my door
would the answer
to this
and so many other things
lie behind it?

There are many more "notes" coming my friends- not to worry:-) Peace and God bless to anyone stopping by here! Thanks also for your kind, wonderful, sometimes hilarious and always very thoughtful comments- and wonderful links!. O guess which one is me in the pic- taken in London in 1982- me and me friend don't look too "dorky" or too American do we:-)


Julie said...

Beautifully written...happy birthday!

Autumnforest said...

Happy b-day brother! I love the pic--reminds me of hints of the 70s. Of course, dorky was in then, so you actually look totally "wicked awesome" or whatever term was early 80s. I learned, being the youngest and the one in no trouble growing up (at least that they knew about) that the ones who were the "troublemakers" were actually the most interesting ones. One day, my mom shocked me by saying she didn't get along with my rebellious hippie sister because she reminded her of herself--had she been allowed to express her true self. I think the most challenging child is always thought about every day and the "good" ones are left to their own devices. I suspect you made your mother develop some pretty awesome skills. You might say your tougher times made her more well-rounded. So, technically, you helped each other grow up. No matter how you got to this point, Dev, you have a light about you that gets brighter with age and cannot be extinguished by any life events, circumstances, or inner demons. That life force is rare and precious. I'm very glad to be cast in its light.

human being said...

oh... Devin...
when i saw the title i smiled and wanted to say a happy birthday to you...
then i went through your notes... they were 'notes' of a song... song of a soul... a soul so true... so true and so sincere... so sincere and so beautiful... and started crying as i listened to your song... the song of a bird in the cage of this brave new world...

i cried bitterly and still am...
i just want to open the window of my room and cry out in the midnight darkness and tell people why... why... why are the mirrors you hold to other people so fake?
why do you see truth but reflect falsness?
why do you see beautiful souls... but do not believe them?
why do you want to transform all the forms into some 'uniforms'?
why do you draw the curtains and lock the doors and then start paitning the picture of the world?

Devin... every one of your words...
every one of your notes... struck a chord... not just deep in my heart but deep in the cosmos too...

Devin... think you have found your door...

just forgive all those lost souls that didn't know anything about doors...

your mother was absolutely right... 'we will get thru this '

all of us have some kinds of these get thrus...

and each is a journey...
and being human is being on a journey all the time...

being human is being an eternal tourist...

much love to you dear soul...
happy birthday to you!

before this' i thought you are much younger...

before coming to your blog i wanted to put up the 4th piece of that horror story... but i couldn't... because of the internet problems i always have...
then i came here... first that poem by ee cummings... and then this one by you...
in that piece i had several lines about windows and doors... i think i'll add a word or two there just because of you...

i'm 45
1982 is also unforgettable
for me in a way
because of

and the hostages


that day in highschool
when we were studying analytical geometry... and they came to our school and took away many of the students to prison... many of them never returned...

X. Dell said...

Oh, and happy birthday.

X. Dell said...

That's pretty good. I have to sympathize with the drinking and the sex in younger years (although you're at least 300 men ahead of me--don't think I'll catch up). Still, I didn't pay the price you did. In a better world, I would hope that all those guys were beautiful memories, instead of ghosts.

foam said...

my goodness, devin. this is just unbelievable writing.
it's art.
and you were a cutie pie at 17/18.

David Stewart said...

Thank you Dev for sharing these thoughts - you brought a bit of tears to my eyes with this; I am glad that you have had these three in your life. I really like the sound of your mother, and I wonder if she was tempted to name you Atticus or Jem!
And you looked adorable sir!
Thanks again Dev.

Devin said...

To all of you I cannot thank you enough for your kind and thoughtful comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks for the happy birthdays also!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry I have this blog back to comment moderation - as I am not online everyday I like to know what is here - and I keep getting those stupid Japanese porn comments/links
I would like to get off the comment moderation and maybe when I have more NRG and can be online more I will- I go to the docs tomorrow morn so maybe he can check to see what is causing this cold to stay with me (going into its fourth week now)
it isn't killing me or anythiing -just really affecting me energy to do things- I will be up all nite and maybe online til 6 am or so-and I will try to get by your blogs-as long as connection stays- again I can't say thanks enough and you all really help me more than I can say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry if i sounded a bit "maudlin" with this one - dealing with some losses in my life has caused be to be a bit more introspective lately and sometimes i sound much more depressed than I am - actually I am in a very good mood tonight - and knowing i have friends like you all is a huge part of that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all the best in the world to all of you -thanks again from my heart and soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devin said...

human being - I also wanted to say that I am so sorry about the high school students taken away that day that you never saw again!!!!!!!! and also to the ones who left longer comments about their own lives and things i will try to answer in more depth soon- David my mom is indeed an incredible woman - I think I would be in an insane asylum after the past three years without her - Autumnforest- your comment about your mom and sister reminds me precisely of two relationships in my own family were the people don't realize how much they are alike - Xdell - no reason to feel bad about my past- I am trying to come to terms with all things I have been and done- no one was holding a gun to my head when I was going thru my "wild" years -I am very very very fortunate to still be around- and thank God -really and truly everyday for this - even if I am having a "grouchy" day:-)
love and hugs again to all of you!!!!!!!!!!

benjibopper said...

Beautiful notes, Devin, very raw and honest. Painful to read but that's not a bad thing necessarily. Reading these notes and then the post above about suffering being the gateway to understanding and liberation, it makes a nice connection and an important one. I think thats why I got into the beat poets - the suffering was equally raw, and equally them a starting point for their intellectualism, their discovery of much more.

I love the photo, btw, reminds me of a friend of mine actually, who is in his 20s.

Happy birthday!

X. Dell said...

Understood. Most of us take the sniffles for granted. You can't. That has to be a drag being sick for so long. Still, get well quick.

Devin said...

Benji thanks so much for your honesty and wonderful comment -your insight into my "notes" and the happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry it was painful to read on a certain level - lately for some reason - maybe because it was triggered by the loss of a dear family member and my relationhship with Nando - I have been doing a lot of thinking - about my life - and if i could possibly have done it any other way - (of course this is a question no one will ever know-probably ) all the best in the world to you my friend!!!!!!!!

Xdell as always I can't say how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness and sympathy with my situation- although sometimes my words may not show it - I really do think and try to live as much as I can - as if i have been given a huge 'gift' in a certain way - had I got the virus say around 82 or 83 which I very well could have - as opposed to 92 or 93 i wonder if i would still be here? I am reading a book by Rupert Everett (autobio- he was in Another Country and many other plays movies) and every time i read someone else who lived the lifestyle and saw a whole bunch of people who became sick and died - i realize how truly fortunate i (and many others are)
all the best in the world to you my friend!!!!!!!!!!

Alex Robinson said...

Wonderful words Devin
Sorry for the late arrival, hope you made a very big wish my dear & hope it comes thro & true with the greatest of ease.
Any cake left? :)
All good things to you!!!!!!!!!

Devin said...

alex there is indeed chocolate pie and pecan pie left that i would love to share with you (heated up and served a la mode of course:-) well the pecan pie anyway haha
please dont aplogize for late -i appreciate any comments at any time - and i am once again very behind on the work my friends do - so no need to apologize at all
hope to chat soon and i hope both our hopes and wishes will come true

Ricardo said...

45 is the new 35.

Devin said...

Haha - that is what I am trying to tell myself Ricardo !!!!!!!
thanks so much for stopping by - will try to stop by your blog tonight and get caught up with other friends too- I am going to finally try putting the conclusion to the current series up first -all the best to you my friend!!!!